Where is She?
by For the North
Summary: Adam's point of view through the events of If I Stay. Rated M for language, tragic themes, and the occasional mention of sexual activity.


_Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with If I Stay. All rights go to Gayle Forman. _

**Because I'm so fond of torturing myself and my readers, I just had to post this. For those of you who know me, I am a ****_massive _****fan of If I Stay. I read the book when I was thirteen and saw the movie on the first day it opened. I was wildly inspired and I hope you guys like this!**

**Summary: Adam's point of view starting when he hears about the accident. **

* * *

Finding Out

Where is she?

Mia said she'd be here by 7:00 and it's already 8:30. Not once in her life has Mia Hall been late. I heard over the radio that school was canceled today so she probably met with that chick her cello teacher wanted her to practice with. I guess she could still be there. No, Mia wouldn't just ditch out on me - not tonight especially.

I try calling her cell again - straight to voicemail. Goddamn it, Mia.

I'm at the line between pissed and desperate. What will it mean for us if she doesn't come tonight? We have been going around and around in circles feeling torn between wondering if we should just end it now before it gets any harder and holding onto our relationship even if it's just with our fingernails.

"ADAM!" I turn around and see Liz standing down the hallway. "We need to do a sound check, come on!"

She's waving her hands as she talks and I can tell she's annoyed but whatever.

"Give me a minute!" I reply.

"Jesus fucking Christ, man! The show starts in thirty!"

I can't deal with her wailing so I walk toward the exit. The bassist of Bikini, Max, just stumbled in through the backstage doors and Brooke is chewing his ass out and pushing him into their dressing room. I round the corner and maneuver my way through countless couples procreating against the spray painted walls.

All of this is familiar to me. It comes with the territory of being a rocker. I used to bask in all of it - and I'm not saying that I don't now - but Mia happened and everything changed.

Almost immediately after we got together, Mia started coming to my shows and waiting backstage with me before we went on. We would just chill and talk and fool around. It was great.

But when we started getting booked for bigger shows a few months ago, my usual before-show-jitters transformed into full on stage fright. My hands shake like crazy and I can feel my heart pounding in my ears. Mia will massage her thumbs into my palms and kiss me all over my face and neck. No matter what is going on with us, her being there instantly makes me feel better. She'll wrap her arms around me and whisper in my ear, "You're going to play better than you ever have. The crowd will go crazy and before you know it, you'll be playing Madison Square Garden." and just like that - I'm calm.

I have this image in my head of me in my fancy suit I wear to funerals, watching her play before a sold out Carnegie Hall. God, I love to watch her play. And then after her second encore, we'll make out for a bit, and then run to make my show at MSG.

It sounds stupid and lame, but it's not. Even if none of it ever actually happens, it still means everything.

Tonight's show is going to be the biggest we've ever played and I need Mia here - not just to chill me out or whatever, but because I want to share this with her. I want to look over at her while I'm playing and see her doing her classical-musicians-do-not-mosh jumpy dance and singing along with me. I want to pull her against me after the show even though I'm sweaty as fuck and I can't catch my breath and my eyes are jumping around like I'm on speed and kiss her hard.

I push open the exit door and step out on the wet concrete balcony. A couple of people are leaning against the rails smoking, but they don't even notice me. I try calling Mia again - straight to voicemail.

Fuck! It's 8:39.

I know I should go back inside and warm up, I know, but I just need a minute.

Mia wouldn't skip out on me. She wouldn't.

"You don't understand! I have to get inside!" A girl screams from the line below.

"The show is SOLD OUT! You don't have a fucking ticket - You don't get inside!" The bouncer replies.

"I'm not here to watch the fucking show, you idiot! I need to talk to Adam Wilde! It's an emergency!"

I lean over the rusty metal railing and look down. It's Kim! Mia's best friend, who has never attended a rock concert in her life, is on the pavement below. What the fuck?

"Kim?" I yell and she looks up at me.

Her eyes are wide and watery, her face is bright red, and her hair is falling out of its braid.

"Thank God!" she replies, "Adam, I have to tell you something."

"Where is Mia?" I ask and she lets out a guttural scream.

"Come here!"

Her shrill voice makes me jump, but I jog down the stairs anyway.

I'm intercepted by a guy with a neon green Mohawk whose shouting "Yo, Adam! Too fuckin cool bro, too fuckin cool!" and holds out his fist. I bump it with mine and clap the bouncer on the shoulder. A couple more fans start freaking out and chanting, but Kim grabs my arm pulls me toward the side of the building.

"Kim, what the fuck?" I ask and she looks at me. "Where is Mia?"

She puts her hands on my shoulders and squeezes.

"There was an accident - it happened this morning. Denny and Kat ... they're gone. They were killed instantly." Kim wipes at her face, but I can't focus on anything except the sledgehammer that just hit me in the stomach. "Mia is in the ICU. I don't even know what is wrong with her, but it's bad Adam ... it's really, really bad. They don't know if she's going to make it, and I don't know anything about Teddy."

I can't breathe and I can feel the puke rising in my throat, and my knees are giving out.

"_What?" _

The bricks behind Kim's head start to swirl, so I pull her to me for balance. She wraps her arms around my waist and squeezes hard.

This can't be happening. It can't be real.

It isn't sitting in - it isn't and that has to mean that none of it is real.

"Adam, look at me."

I do and for the first time, I feel like Kim and I have something in common. We're the same. Mia is just as much as Kim's as she is mine, Kim belongs to Kat and Denny the same way I do, and Teddy is both of ours.

"I know ... I _know_, but right now - we have to go. This is all so bad and I don't know what is going to happen, and I don't even want to think about what's after this, but ... she's still here, Adam. Mia is still here and Teddy is still here, and we have to be there for them."

I nod.

* * *

**I really hope you guys enjoy this! I don't want to go into all of my thoughts about If I Stay here, but I'd really love to hear what you guys thought of the movie and if you haven't already - PLEASE READ THE BOOK!**

**As to where I've been ...**

**I don't remember on which story I mentioned it, but I lost one of my very dearest friends a few months ago, and I cannot put into words just how hard it's been to cope with his loss. I'm doing my best to mend because I know that he would hate me blubbering over him, but it is still forefront in my mind. **

**ALSO I have been writing a book .. that's right .. a freaking book. Needless to say, it's been taking up all of my time. I can't go into much detail, but all of you should know that this great opportunity has come from my writing on this site. I owe it to all of you. I love you and thank you so much! You'll get updates as soon as I do. **

**Pointless A/N: I did change my penname from keg2015 to For the North. I only take the time to mention it because when I notice a change on my favorite authors list - I get really confused. **

**xoxo**


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